It’s so sad that some of the loveliest and kindest people dislike themselves a lot
I’ve always been a really good liar. Even to myself. And her making me be this honest has helped me mature so much. I’ve know that I’ve had moments when I’ve done terrible things to people and been the worst kind of person towards others, but this is the first time I’ve had tried to stay and mend a situation. Seeing the pain that my actions caused not just another person but someone I love very much is one of the most emotional and physically unsettling things I’ve ever felt. I know that I still have much to do fix things and try and get to a place where the fear of being hurt no longer exist. But for me time is no longer an issue. I want to able to put my all into a Relationship like was before, and being honest it has been so long since I have done that. I’ve always held onto the memory of how painful it is to lose something when you’ve put everything into it, and that memory along with being selfish and just a terrible human being created a situation where I decided to put another person through that pain rather than chance myself going through it again. How do I fix this? I know I want to. I need to. I know there are so many things in my life that I’m grateful for and do not deserve but the one I’m most grateful for right is just being given the chance to try again. I deserve hate and pain. Not love. I’m trying to let new actions speak because I know my past actions have robbed my words of any credit they had. It fucking sucks to have to watch someone feel so much pain and know that you caused it. And I don’t know to take it away or go back and make sure it never happened. And even after thinking of all of this I know that no matter how uncomfortable I’m feeling or how much it sucks to feel this way, it’s nothing compared to how you must feel every time your reminded of it. I don’t deserve you. And while there’s nothing more I would rather do than be with you, I wish you didn’t feel pain every time you lay in my bed or just cuddle or do things that were once so simple. I fucked things up so bad. I was selfish. And scared. And no one should ever treat someone they love the way I treated you. I’m here to fix things no matter how long it takes, no matter what or who I have to cut out my life, because now I’m putting you first like you did for me for so long. And I know that I’ve made it almost impossible for you to put yourself 100% into this like before and honestly you have reason to. But I’m gonna be here till we get there again and then we can enjoy each other long after that. Just be patient with me, and honest, and brutal. I love you. Thank you for loving me.
It’s interesting how my thoughts and feelings develop. I went from infatuated and helpless to cold and disconnected. Now, sitting in this weird limbo type place, I’m able to see what I really had. It’s funny that only by talking to her am I able to be completely honest with myself.
This has been the healthiest, strongest, and happiest relationship over ever been in. I’ve never met someone so beautiful inside and out. No one has cared for me and my well being as much as she has. And seeing her fight for what we had was inspiring.
So many things in my life scare me right now. I’ve always hated the idea of growing up and being an adult, and now that I’m forced to do t and take care of myself it makes everything more difficult for me. To be honest, having such an amazing and serious relationship scares me I think. I can barely take care of myself, how can I think about the health and relationship of two people. Not saying that I can’t, just that it scares me.
I know that where I am right is where I’m supposed to be. I know that I can handle all the monetary hardships I’m faced with right now and it makes me feel so confident knowing that even though we aren’t together she supports me with such passion!
Right now I need to be me. Have fun, get things done, and slowly learn to grow up. And I can only pray that we remain as such important roles in each other’s lives.
I feel like there’s so much more I wanted to say but I can’t even control my thoughts and emotions when I try to think and talk about this entire situation (one of the reasons it scares me). But all I know is that out of all the people in the world she makes the small list of people that I love unconditionally.